So my car has some brake problems, and I need to get it fixed. I also need a car to get to and from work. Since I work on the other side of town from my parents it’s going to be interesting the next few days. My parents want to drop me off and pick me up from work. I don’t think they realize that I never work the same hours. And half the time that I will need picked up or dropped off, they are in meetings. Seriously I don’t know what to do at this point. I can’t be with out a car when I have things to do. I need to get things done with out consulting my parents first. I understand they are stressed out. It’s just this time of year, they both can’t handle it. But I can’t handle being argued with because they are stressed.
“One day, (s)he’s going to know. (S)he’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. (S)he’ll know how old you were when you learnt to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. (S)he’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. (S)he’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. (S)he’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked up the razor and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. (S)he’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. (S)he’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. (S)he’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. (S)he’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. (S)he’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s their favorite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. (S)he’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. (S)he’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organize your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just in case. (S)he’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. (S)he’s going to know how you feel without you telling them, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. (S)he’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. (S)he’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? (S)he is still going to love you.”—(via blowyourownjob)
But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.
“The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see—the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it.”—Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits (via simply-quotes)
I love that I feel like a no one to practically every “friend” I’ve tried so hard to be there for. I work my ass off for my friendships and I don’t feel the same in return. The friendships I feel like I’ve fought hardest for, are the ones that I get nothing from. Its getting exhausting. I know not to expect anything. The only times I get something in return is if these “friends” need something from me. I’m ready to make new real friends and start my life. I can’t wait around for these people to grow up and become real friends. When I need someone most they aren’t there. They don’t seem to care. I’m done.
So I’m laying here in bed, slightly buzzed after a long hard day at work. All I can think about for some reason is how I feel so lost and alone. I know I”m not, but I’m in such an awkward place in my life. I have never wanted so badly to go back in time, or fast forward 5 years. I want someone who will finally see me for who I am. Some one that I can be my crazy, outrageous, shy, smart ass, cuddly, and loving self with. I have never been able to completely be myself with anyone. I was always hiding some side of me. I need someone who will not only accept all of me, but will go along with me. I need someone to not only be my best friend my partner in crime but, my other half, my one true love. I always think that I’m trying to hard to not look for them, not feel for anyone, to be content with myself. I know I’m none of that. I struggle everyday not to look in the car next to me, to not look through the stores, and find that one person. To not look through my phone to have someone to talk to. Its hard for me to be completely content with my life if I’m not taking the focus off myself. I don’t want to focus on me. I want to change things about myself for other people, not because I want them changed. I try my hardest not to have feelings for anyone, to not feel desperate. However, in trying so hard not to feel, I make myself feel desperate. I try to be so content with the way my life is going, and there are days that I love every second of it. Then, I have days like today where I’m literally questioning every aspect of my life. I’m not sure I’ve made the best decisions, but then again, I’m in a good place financially. I love my job, my coworkers, my boss, my family, yet there is one problem. I’m not in love with myself. I always start out so well with a workout, diet, relationship even I make it last for like a week. Then I fall off the band wagon because something is thrown off in my schedule. I’m working full time, I’m always tired, I’m trying my best to actually spend time with family. I’m neglecting my own needs, my animal’s needs. I can’t find a happy medium with anything. I know I’ll probably feel better in the morning, but right now all I really want to do is talk to one of two people. The problem with that is, one of them would answer my call and piss me off farther and, the other one would ignore me completely and call me crazy later down the road. The sad thing is my number one choice, is the one that would ignore me.
I’ve had a revelation of sorts I guess. I realized that yesterday was my dad’s 51st birthday. And that my time with him is growing shorter and shorter everyday. My dad means more to me than I let on. I’m done making stupid decisions that would make him disappointed in me. I want him to be proud. I want to live a meaningful, faithful, and wonderful life. I want to have my dad there when I get married. I want both my parents there when I have my children. I’ve been so fast at passing judgement with my parents. I get frustrated too easily with them. I realize that I need them both in my life right now and that my time with them should be precious. I haven’t been cherishing that time like I should. Maybe I’m over thinking things, but time flies by so fast. I want to get back in shape, and help both my parents to do the same. I want to keep my parents accountable for keeping themselves healthy. I love my parents way too much to just stand by and watch.
I just realized that I have a pretty good life right now. As much as I might complain about little things. My life as a whole is going much better than I could have planned. Just over a year ago I got offered a job that I thought would be temporary. I thought that I would go back to school, get my teaching degree, and start a life after that. However I ended up absolutely loving the environment and everything about that “temporary” job. I went to school for a very short time to get some knowledge. Then six months later I have a career. After my first full week of being the solo dental assistant in my office, I have learned to appreciate the work I’ve stood back and watched for what seems like such a long time. I’m making more money than I ever thought I would here, and I’m still not even close to the low end of what this career could offer me. I still have opportunities to teach and hang out with the little people of the world. I meet new people every day and build relationships with patients. I am paying off not only student loans, but personal loans, and credit cards. Paying for almost everything I would if I were on my own. I manage my money well and am able to save for things I want and need. If only I found I loved this career path in high school, I could have been working and living a better life for years. Although I am thankful for my boss for giving me such a huge opportunity. He is so patient with me and helps me through the things I’m not sure about. I thank God everyday for everything he has made me to be. I wouldn’t be here with out him giving me small nudges and some huge kicks in the ass to bring me to where I am today.
I hate being an overly dramatic girl…but I’m a girl and at times this is what even the most chill girls are great at. I’ve been so nonchalant with this kid I’ve been talking to for like 2 months…and all the sudden I hang out with him and I go nuts. This literally happens every fucking time. I’m one person before I like someone and when I get feelings for them I become some obsessive crazy person. I’m a chill no cares in the world type of person, then I start telling my story, developing feelings, and then getting paranoid. There is literally no reason for this shit. I’m probably annoying the fucking piss out if this kid. Because reading my texts I’m annoying myself! That’s not okay! If I want a long distance thing to work I get it it’s going to be hard. And we are going to have to talk about it. But he isn’t my boyfriend. He needs time to get over his ex still. Why am I freaking out? This is not the first time I’ve talked to him. This is not the last time ill talk to him, unless I annoy him to death. Now it’s time to leave him alone and let him do the work again. He knows how I feel…and that’s all that he needs to know. Now to just keep myself busy
I read some of the posts I put on here about a year ago. I noticed how bad of a state I was in at that time. I was depressed, and not really even wanting to go on. Now I’m still not 100% happy, but I’m here and loving the place I’m in. I’m not in a relationship, but I’m fine with it. And I work my ass off to get the money I deserve. I’m not upset with who I’ve become, I’m actually very proud of myself. I may not look exactly how I want to, but that’s something I can change. I’ve grown miles since I left and I will continue to do so. Thank goodness for my family who will support any decision I make! So many things have changed and I’m not even mad about the changes made in my life. Ill take growing into a wonderful generous woman any day, over just trying to get through the day!
Okay, so work has been a bitch for a few weeks now. I’m not real sure what this girl’s problem is, but its really getting to me. She acts like she is sent from God to make my life a living fucking hell. I’m not sure if there is a stick up her ass, or if she is just having so many problems in her personal life that she has to take it all out on me. BUT its getting really old, really fast. Anyways, I don’t pretend to be perfect. I know I’m not. I know I make mistakes and I’ll tell you I made a fucking mistake. But you don’t have to tell me 15 billion times that I did it, and how to fix it. I’ll figure that one out on my own. And I’m not there to be her little fucking bitch. So she needs back the fuck off. I’ve been so freaking busy with my own shit that work is the last thing on my mind. Plus her breathing down my neck is not making me want to be there or work any harder. So shit is just escalating. She doesn’t get that if she would just drop the whole thing about how she is a fucking saint that does no wrong in the world I might actually try my hardest and really enjoy what I do around there. But I really hate it right now trying to please a self righteous bitch, who obviously can’t be pleased. She gets pissed off when she sees my car at work. SO I’m stuck in an unending cycle of being disrespected and hating everything about my life. Its definitely going to be interesting since I love everything else about my work. If only this girl would get her head out of her ass to figure out that I actually look up to her and really truly hate being treated like slave and not like an equal. I have worked with plenty of people older than I am. I have never been treated so badly in my life. People twice, even triple my age have treated me like an equal and never looked down at me while working with me. Why should this job be any different. Even though I’m still learning there shouldn’t be that kind of disrespect in a professional setting. God writing this just made me hate my job even more that I did before. SHIT!
Mmmmmm, correct me if I’m wrong, but I have this feeling that everyone in my life is stabbing me in the back some how. I feel as if I’m being wronged by the people that I’ve put first in my life. And I’m not real sure why. But this is not a feeling that has just arouse. It’s been lingering for awhile. So I’m really uncomfortable with it right now.
Realizing today why I took topamax for all those years. I feel numb to the world and I’m okay with it. Weird how and anticonvulsant can make you feel. I can’t even describe it….but that’s okay with me. Now to just find a doctor to prescribe it to me again
I wish I could tell him so many things. I wish I could tell him that my heart hurts everyday I don’t hear from him. That I want him more every day. That even though he hasn’t been mine for over a year, that I get butterflies at seeing just his picture. That my heart skips a beat and I can’t catch my breath when I see his face on my phone. I wish he knew exactly how I felt everyday while sitting around still being faithful to him for no reason at all. Why in the world do I tell him all these things with out him thinking am a crazy girl. My papa bear isn’t here for me when I need him. He isn’t here when all I need is a hug, from him. But I can’t tell him. I can’t be that girl.
I know its stupid, but i’m really heart broken at the moment. I have been begging and begging this person to come home, to come see me. I have talked to them pretty consecutively for the past year and a half. Yet when they do come home they don’t talk to me, and leave me on the back burner. I understand that its hard to keep in contact with everyone when you first get home from being gone a long time. I get that I have been in that situation before. But I try my best to make sure everyone knows I am excited to see them and excited to finally reunite after a long time. I have thought in the past that this person could be a big part in my life. But as of right now I’m thinking that i’m going to give on the people that I THINK are going to be big parts of my life, and focus more on me. I have given everything I have and I have no more. I can’t sit here and wait to just get my heart broken time and time again. I have waited for too long. I have been pushing everything and everyone away just for those few people that I think might make my life better. When I could be the one doing that myself. I’m saying this now, and i’ll probably take it all back later, But this is whats on my mind and I can’t seem to get this sick untrusting feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I have a bad feeling about the next 2 weeks.
I’ve hated waiting and trying my best to be patient…but it all pays off when I get to see that he is still alive an in good spirits after being under water for a week! I hope he keeps it up. Cause I don’t think I could stand knowing he was unhappy! Only w couple more weeks! Then I get to see this wonderful man!
I have forgotten what it feels like to be loved romantically. I forget what it feels like to have some one grab you and pull you closer. What it’s like to cuddle and play with someone. I forget how my body and emotions react when someone pulls me close for a kiss. I forget the wonderful feeling you get when you finally have that first kiss with someone. I can’t remember any of it, it’s killing me. I want to know how to feel more than just pain and sadness again -__-
After a long day...This is whats running through my mind?
About two years ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. Yeah we dated on and off for four years, but there was almost never a time we weren’t talking to one another. After our final break up, it took me awhile to talk to him, and when we did talk, we would just argue. We have argued and argued about who has done the most damage to our relationship. It goes on and on, him cheating, me constantly blaming him, him getting angry and butt hurt because I kept breaking up with him when I couldn’t take it. No one is at fault for breaking each other’s hearts. It wasn’t easy on either of us. I know now that we are both very different people. I have had to deal with very tough situations, while he has traveled and had the time of his life. I’m the kind of person who gives people way too many chances to be in my life, especially when they don’t deserve it. I’m usually the one to forgive first, and forget last. I never thought that coming up to the time when it would be our 6 year anniversary, would we start to become friends. Nor did I think that he would forget the way I talk to him. I mean honestly its probably not the way anyone should talk to their significant others, so at times I feel bad for it…but that was the best part of our relationship. No matter how mad, and verbally abusive I would become to him, he would just laugh because he knew at the end of the day I would be over it. Even though him laughing usually didn’t help anything when I was mad, I appreciate it now. Because no one in the world has been able to put up with me like that. Not even my family. No matter how angry and fired up I would get there he was just knowing that I loved him. I want to find a man who knows me like that again. Maybe not Tyler, because of the problems we have had I couldn’t be with him again. But maybe Tyler can teach the men in my life to just brush it off. If I didn’t want to be with them, I wouldn’t be. Just because I get angry, worried, and care too much some times, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to end my day with them by my side. Why did it have to be Tyler that knew that?
“This is what it feels like to care about someone who doesn’t feel the same. I’d only known how it felt to love someone who loved me just as fiercely. I’d never known rejection. I’d never wanted someone who didn’t want me. The longing didn’t go away with rejection.”—Abbi Glines, While It Lasts (via simply-quotes)