Mmmmmm, correct me if I’m wrong, but I have this feeling that everyone in my life is stabbing me in the back some how. I feel as if I’m being wronged by the people that I’ve put first in my life. And I’m not real sure why. But this is not a feeling that has just arouse. It’s been lingering for awhile. So I’m really uncomfortable with it right now.
Realizing today why I took topamax for all those years. I feel numb to the world and I’m okay with it. Weird how and anticonvulsant can make you feel. I can’t even describe it….but that’s okay with me. Now to just find a doctor to prescribe it to me again
I wish I could tell him so many things. I wish I could tell him that my heart hurts everyday I don’t hear from him. That I want him more every day. That even though he hasn’t been mine for over a year, that I get butterflies at seeing just his picture. That my heart skips a beat and I can’t catch my breath when I see his face on my phone. I wish he knew exactly how I felt everyday while sitting around still being faithful to him for no reason at all. Why in the world do I tell him all these things with out him thinking am a crazy girl. My papa bear isn’t here for me when I need him. He isn’t here when all I need is a hug, from him. But I can’t tell him. I can’t be that girl.
My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping they’re more brave than I am.
SIKE. NO I DON’T I ACTUALLY REALLY HATE YOU. GOD I’M FUNNY.
I know its stupid, but i’m really heart broken at the moment. I have been begging and begging this person to come home, to come see me. I have talked to them pretty consecutively for the past year and a half. Yet when they do come home they don’t talk to me, and leave me on the back burner. I understand that its hard to keep in contact with everyone when you first get home from being gone a long time. I get that I have been in that situation before. But I try my best to make sure everyone knows I am excited to see them and excited to finally reunite after a long time. I have thought in the past that this person could be a big part in my life. But as of right now I’m thinking that i’m going to give on the people that I THINK are going to be big parts of my life, and focus more on me. I have given everything I have and I have no more. I can’t sit here and wait to just get my heart broken time and time again. I have waited for too long. I have been pushing everything and everyone away just for those few people that I think might make my life better. When I could be the one doing that myself. I’m saying this now, and i’ll probably take it all back later, But this is whats on my mind and I can’t seem to get this sick untrusting feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I have a bad feeling about the next 2 weeks.
I’ve hated waiting and trying my best to be patient…but it all pays off when I get to see that he is still alive an in good spirits after being under water for a week! I hope he keeps it up. Cause I don’t think I could stand knowing he was unhappy! Only w couple more weeks! Then I get to see this wonderful man!